A shoulder to cry on - Empathy Thinking & Feelings

Research on empathy in relationships shows that understanding is not enough to deal with stressful situations.

You had a bad day at work. You may have bills piling up, and you are short of cash. Perhaps the in-laws are coming to visit?

Empathy can be defined broadly as the ability to understand or feel the feelings of another person (human or non-human animal). It is also the ability to place oneself in the position of another. There are many definitions of empathy that cover a wide range of emotions. These include caring for others and wanting to help them. Empathy can also be described as the ability to feel and understand the emotions of another person. It can also be used to describe the ability to recognize the differences between oneself and the other.

Many people turn to their partner when they feel stressed. They can be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, and help them manage stress. If they are both of these things, your chances of feeling better will be much higher.

Psychologists at UC Santa Barbara have discovered that understanding your partner's pain is not enough to help them in stressful situations. You need to care about why they are suffering.

These findings were published in Psychological Science and provide the first evidence of how affective and cognitive forms of empathy can work together to promote responsive behavior.

Psychology professor Nancy Collins is flanked at the Close Relationships Lab UCSB by graduate student researchers Jeff Bowen, Lauren Winczewski. Photo credit: Sonia Fernandez

People might think that understanding everything is enough to be responsive. However, understanding the thoughts and feelings of a partner was only helpful if listeners felt more compassionate and sympathetic towards them. Listeners who had a good understanding but didn't feel compassionate were less supportive and responsive.

Winczewski, Jeff Bowen, a graduate researcher, and Nancy Collins, UCSB psychology professor, both argued that responsiveness requires more than just accurate understanding. They also need to be motivated by compassion. They hypothesized that empathy, which is a cognitive skill known for empathic accuracy, would help foster responsive behavior when it was paired with benevolent motivation or empathic concern.

The researchers tested their theory by asking couples to talk about a personal or relationship stressor, such as jealousy or extreme fear of flying. The researchers were able, through videotaping conversations, to gauge empathic accuracy, empathic concern and responsiveness both during and after an interaction.

They were correct, it turned out. Listeners who care deeply about their partner's well-being increase their responsiveness. But when compassion is lacking, understanding does little to improve responsiveness.

Winczewski says that empathy is only possible when you are motivated to help others.

"You may know what your partner thinks and feels - you might have heard it 17 times, or the fight with the boss - but you can't really care if they don't. said Winczewski. "A lack of compassion feelings and accurate knowledge can lead to a loss in responsiveness."

Researchers speculate that people's perceptions of their partner's responsiveness over time are influenced by their everyday support conversations. She said that people use these interactions to determine their partner's motivations and ability to respond to them. "Is that how you respond to me now? If so, will that be how you respond to me in the future?" You may begin to trust your partner's responsiveness over time. Or you might start to question if they are even willing or able to meet your needs.

Collins, UCSB's Close Relationships Lab leader, said: "Having a deep understanding of our partner's inner world combined with compassion feelings enables us provide the support that our loved ones need." Cognitive empathy is incomplete without compassion feelings.

Collins said, "In this manner," Collins continued, "our study shows that "thinking" and "feeling" work together to help people be as supportive to the ones they love."